Okay, okay, so Sir Steve Redgrave has won 79 gold medals at the last 48 Olympic Games, most famously beating Hitler and Jesse Owens in the coxless pairs at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. And now it turns out he managed all this whilst suffering from ulcerative colitis. Oh, and diabetes. And an ingrown toenail. Probably. But against all the odds, with grit, determination and a Darwinian doggedness to be the best sportsman the world has ever seen, Sir Steve jolly well became the best sportsman the world has ever seen. What a trooper. He reminds me a lot of myself actually. Yes. He. Does. You see, I’ve been in training myself recently, putting in the hard hours, pushing myself to the limit, honing my skills, perfecting my game, giving it the big 110%. And on Wednesday it all paid off. I got a PB (that’s personal best, non sport fans). I scored a staggering 300 in the ten pin bowling game on my Nokia mobile phone. That’s the most you can score. You can’t get a higher score than that. So, basically I am Kingpin. But unlike Sir Steve, who achieved his extraordinary successes despite ulcerative colitis, I achieved mine because of ulcerative colitis. Without UC there would be no PB. Let me explain. As you may have gathered I spend quite a lot of time sitting on the toilet, and I don’t always have something to read, so I’ve taken to playing this ten pin bowling game on my phone. And of course, over the months I’ve become quite good at it. See for yourself, these are a few of my highest scores:10/10/07 – 300
08/08/07 – 291
20/8/07 – 273
31/8/07 – 255
So now I’ve mastered bowling, I’m wondering what next? How can I put the time I spend on the toilet to better use? I’m thinking languages. Maybe I can learn German on the bog? So if you’re ever in a public toilet and you hear someone in the next cubicle speaking in a really bad German accent, “Haben Sie auch Getranke ohne Alkohol?”, that’ll be me; Herr Kingpin.
