The new loo review

The review of the toilets in my new office is split into 3 categories: how an estate agent might sell the details of the loo, what that really means, and how useful that might be for someone with ulcerative colitis.

Estate agent speak: ‘conveniently located’
Reality: by the lifts
UCfulness: 35 metres from my desk as the crow flies (or the UC sufferer dashes)

Estate agent speak: ‘flexible seating plan’
Reality: 3 cubicles
UCfulness: in an emergency the chances of all 3 cubicles being in use are slim

Estate agent speak: ‘individual hand aeration apparatus’
Reality: paper towel dispenser
UCfulness: always good to have plenty of absorbent paper towels for any mopping requirements

Estate agent speak: ‘fully integrated personal hygiene system’
Reality: it’s got a sink
UCfulness: running the taps can help mask embarrassing bottom noises

Estate agent speak: ‘waste displacement equipment’
Reality: a bog brush
UCfulness: sometimes a flush is not enough

Estate agent speak: ‘discrete’
Reality: an extractor fan
UCfulness: a good extractor fan can save many blushes

In summary, my heart gave a little leap of joy when I investigated the toilets. They’re everything a UC sufferer could wish for; clean, comfortable and best of all very private. Hopefully I won’t have to use them too much.