Things I won’t be talking about in the lift at work but I will be talking about here

Lift conversations should be kept light. It’s almost as if the lifts themselves can only carry conversations of a certain weight. Anything too heavy and there’s a danger the lift will grind to a halt. Or it can feel that way.

So as a rule of thumb, the lighter the conversation, the quicker the journey. The heavier the conversation, the slower the journey. If you don’t believe me, next time you’re in a lift with someone start a conversation about paedophile tagging. See how long that journey feels.

Lifts already carry signs to tell you how many people they can take – Maximum load 10 persons or 750kg. Maybe they should also have one for conversation – Maximum heaviness of chat ‘the weather’, ‘recent football results’ and ‘the Cheryl Cole did-she-mime-didn’t-she-mime debate’. It would be a handy reminder to keep things nice and light.

Of course, I already know this, which is why recently when someone in the lift at work asked me if I had done anything interesting the night before, I lied. That’s right, I lied to their face. Because the truth would have been far too heavy for lift chat. The truth would have meant telling them I spent the evening attempting to cure my incurable disease. It is, I think you’ll agree, a little on the weighty side. There’s a time and place for telling folk you’re attempting to cure yourself of an incurable disease, and it isn’t somewhere between the ground floor and the fourth.

In fact, outside of a small circle of friends and family and anyone who reads Number Twos, I have told very few people what I’ve been getting up to in my spare time. And even then I’ve been fairly vague about the details.

But over the next few posts I’m going to share with you some of the therapies and techniques I’ve been using to wallop my ulcerative colitis into submission. After years of my UC attacking me, I’ve started to fight back. And I’m throwing everything at it. It’s quite fun actually.

So in my next post* I’ll be talking about the role gratitude is playing in the war against my UC. It’s definitely not a topic for the lift.

*Okay, the post after the one with the loo roll sculptures.