Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sign on the dotted line

Before any operation you have to sign a consent form. It’s a written agreement between you and the surgeon saying that you give permission for them to do the operation. Just for the record I never read anything I sign. On being handed a document to read before signing, I just pretend I’m reading it for as long as I think it would roughly take to read something of that length. Towards the end of the charade I may even add a few quick successive nods of the head and in my most serious voice, which I reserve for moments such as these, say something along the lines of, “Yep, all seems fine.” Then I sign. So back in February this year when I signed my consent form, I did so only after a full two and half minutes of solid pretend reading. But now I’m beginning to wish I had paid more attention. I’m just wondering if there was anything in the consent form about pubic hair. More specifically the removal of it? Because when I signed that document I did so in good faith that the only thing the surgeons would be removing was a section of my large colon. I didn’t know they were going to give my privates a short, back and sides. I didn’t sign up for that. It took me a good 14 years to grow pubic hair the first time round, and now it looks like it’s going to take at least that long again to grow it back. Seriously how slowly does pubic hair grow. Are you meant to water it twice a day and give it plenty of sunlight? Because if that’s the case, my neighbours are in for a shock. Thankfully I’m out of the scratchy stage, but it’s been nearly 5 months now, I was kind of hoping I’d be somewhere near approaching full bush. At this rate, by the time it’s all grown back to its full-bodied best, it’ll be time for my next operation and they’ll shave it off again. And I’m not sure I consent to that.