Ulcerative colitis is one of those diseases that seems to attract myths. There’s always someone, usually a friend of an aunt of someone your mum met at a bus stop, who swears they magically cured themselves. Anyone newly diagnosed will soon discover there are plenty of walking miracles in the world of UC. The internet is full of evangelists offering advice on how to become disease free. Some of it’s plain laughable, but some is quite plausible. Like cut out dairy products. Drink aloe vera juice. Steer clear of tomatoes. Stop drinking alcohol. Start smoking. Reduce your stress. Only eat white bread baked on a Tuesday. Don’t even look sideways at a grape. Like most people, over the years I’ve spent my fair share of time clutching at straws. There was my brief encounter with a shiatsu therapist. Then there was the time I was nearly poisoned by a Chinese herbal chemist. Ah, the memories. I dabbled with diets, but nothing I did ever seemed to make a blind bit of difference. And no matter what I tried, over time my UC just gradually dug its claws deeper and deeper into me. Not that I regret anything I tried. After all I had nothing to lose. Which brings me to Mr Latif and Mr Abdul. I recently received cards through my letterbox from this pair of Mr Fix-It’s.
According to their spiel they can cure any problem in 24 hours. (Although if you need some black magic breaking or want to rid yourself of an evil spirit, that might take 48 hours.) I can’t help thinking it’s a bit late to help me. Where were Mr Latif and Mr Abdul when I needed them? They could have cured my UC overnight. Like Mr Latif modestly says, ‘Latif has the high knowledge of removing problem from people.’ Bloody hell, if he’d have been around a few months ago, I may never have had to put my faith in such backstreet shysters as NHS doctors. What do you think?