Friday, April 11, 2008

Nookie and UC

I am a child of the 70’s. So my early knowledge of sex was largely shaped by the Carry On. films. For many years I believed women’s breasts, or knockers as they were known back then, made this sound when you squeezed them. For almost as long as I’ve been writing this blog I’ve wanted to do something on the sensitive, and somewhat embarrassing topic of sex and ulcerative colitis. But I’ve been putting it off because I’m not sure if I’m adequately equipped to tackle the delicate nature of the subject matter without descending into schoolboy innuendo and puerile double entendre. I blame Sid James. Smirking aside, I do think it is an issue that should be brought out in the open. Because the truth of the matter is, when your belly feels like an over inflated Whoopee Cushion and the even slightest movement might cause you to let rip with the mother of all farts, the last thing you’re thinking about is a bit of how’s yer father. I think it’s fair to say UC can be a bit of a passion killer. It’s just not a very sexy disease. Ulcerative colitis can be a messy, pooey affair, and unless you happen to be a Conservative MP, it’s not likely to be much of a turn on. When my flare-up was at its worst I often had quite obvious skid marks in my boxer shorts. Things like that don’t exactly make you feel like Don Juan in the bedroom. At one point I was even using women’s panty liners. Sure I felt all fresh, confident and carefree just like the ads promise, but boy, it does precious little for your masculinity. And those first few attempts at coming off the prednisolone left me pooped. Most nights I was asleep before 8pm. Then there were the aches and pains, which left me feeling more like an old man than a young stud muffin. Frisky I was not. I actually think the reason pandas mate so infrequently is they’ve all got UC. So all in all ulcerative colitis can put a bit of a dampener on the old slap and tickle. Which is not much fun for you or your partner. Fortunately my girlfriend was very supportive and didn’t run off with the milkman. We talked about the situation and it was obvious to both of us that at the time I was in no condition for anything more than a good old-fashioned cuddle. Just as long as she didn’t press on my tummy. My mum reads this, so I won’t go into details, but things are now back to normal. The tablets have not only sorted out my UC, they’ve also ahem, resurrected (don’t laugh) things in the bedroom department. There, that’s my post on ulcerative colitis and hanky panky. Glad I got that out of the way, it’s been a long time coming.