Monday, March 23, 2009

Can you smell something?

Do you remember the story of the quick thinking little Dutch boy who averted disaster by plugging a leak in the dyke with his finger? Well given his apparent aptitude for repairing leaks, I’ve been thinking he might be able to give me some advice. I would be interested to know how the little Dutch boy would deal with a leaky bag of poo. Would he have something up his sleeve other than the old ‘stick your finger in it’ option? Or maybe he’s a just a one trick pony whose catch-all solution to leak based problems is a finger? Sadly the little Dutch boy is a 19th Century fictional character and therefore unable to give out advice, leak related or otherwise. So, yes, anyway, I am having some teething problems with my bags. I’m springing quite a few leaks. The other day I was having a cup of tea in one of those fancy cafés you find dotted along Upper Street in Islington, when the stench of poo hit my nostrils. Surreptitiously I checked my bag and my heart sank; raw excrement was seeping through my t-shirt and onto my jeans. Suddenly all the mums in the café started sniffing their baby’s bum, and shrugging their shoulders as if to say ‘not mine.’ Whilst the mums of Islington played hunt the crap, the real culprit crept off to the loo. The prospect of a leak makes any trip out more stressful than it needs to be. I don’t want to be wandering around Marks & Spencer spreading my muck about, like a Catholic priest wafting an incense burner. Imagine leaking on a rush hour tube. I’ve got a job interview tomorrow evening. Involuntarily dribbling doo-doos down my trousers isn’t going to create a good first impression. I’m seeing the stoma nurse again today, so I’m hoping we can come up with a solution. I’ve experimented with different types of bags, I’ve cut the hole slightly smaller, I’ve used those putty washer thingies, taped the edges up, and sometimes it doesn’t leak and sometimes it does. It may just be that where the bag is positioned there’s a natural crease in my belly? But for life to get back to some sort of normality I need to put an end to the leaks. And I don’t think putting a finger in it is the answer.

Warning: leakage may occur.